An Attitude Of Gratitude

 

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It’s an unfortunate habit of human nature that, as a species, we tend to focus on the negative. There are some people that claim to be positive thinkers, and some of those people might even be telling the truth. But If we’re being brutally honest, most of us would  have to admit that despite getting 100 nice comments, it’s the one shitty comment that we will focus on and obsess over.

Those of you who know me from my other work probably know that the last three years have been full of upheaval for me. Financial problems, the death of my father closely followed by the death of my grandmother, my divorce, my temporary stay with my mother before finally finding a home in Texas…it just felt like there was one thing after another.

Even now, after finding my footing with the podcast, getting a day job that I actually like, and finding the unequivocal love of my life, I still get bogged down. Recently my paycheck was cut back to less than $400 every two weeks, and my podcast income dropped by $100 per month. I felt that familiar anxiety (panic, if I’m being accurate) creep through my chest at the thought of yet again not being able to put money into savings every week, of still having to scrape by for everything despite working 60 hour weeks.

And you know what? That’s all true. I will have to work hard and I won’t make much money. I will have to be careful and everything won’t necessarily be easy. But the train of thinking I was riding on was chugging right by all of the other things that are also true.

  1. I had a tough, painful divorce. But it allowed me to discover someone who is so perfect for me that it’s downright uncanny. Owen is everything that I never thought I would find in anyone, and every single day I think multiple times how lucky and blessed I am to get to be with him.
  2. Two out of the three closest members of my family are gone, and I will always miss them terribly. I will miss my father at my second wedding and all the holidays and every time I wake up after a dream about him, when I reach to pick up the phone and call him and realize he won’t be there.  I miss my gramma and her creativity, the magical Christmases in front of her stone fireplace, and the weird quirks that made her so infuriating sometimes. But I still have my mother, whom I was closest with out of everyone. She was there for me after the divorce, and she and my stepdad welcomed me into their home and gave me somewhere to start over, even drove me to work every day and picked me up. I don’t know what I would have done without them.
  3. I don’t make much money at my day job. But I have an amazing schedule that allows me to do what I love consistently and according to a schedule, plus have days off with my man.
  4. My podcast income is unpredictable and entirely dependent on the whims of my supporters. However, making any money via podcasting is incredibly difficult, and all things considered I’m doing amazingly well on that front.
  5. I can’t afford a new car or other luxuries. But honestly, I have everything I need. I can put beautiful and nourishing food on the table whenever I want it, I can turn a knob and have piping hot water to take steamy baths, and my house is a lovely 72 degrees on days when the asphalt outside could fry an egg.

It’s so easy to lose sight of all the great things in my life just because of a few setbacks. Truly I have an abundance in my life that is unknown to most people in the world, and I mean that in more than just the material sense. When I think about it I’m one of the luckiest people I know.

So what I’m saying is: Thanks, Universe. I owe you one. Sorry for being a whiny brat sometimes.

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2 thoughts on “An Attitude Of Gratitude

  1. hotwheelsglueguns says:

    Hello! I can totally relate to this. Me, I’m coming out of a year of depression. Where my brain was blocking me from seeing anything good, but was more than happy to let me obsess over the bad. But, now that the fog is lifting, I can try and see all the good stuff!

    You are not just lucky, you are reaping the rewards of all your hard work! You made this happen and you should enjoy that! I started listening to your podcasts when I was watching the Wire for the first time this summer. I can’t wait for that AND the Harry Potter podcasts to come back!! I would listen to you and Roshawn read anything, lol.

    So, thank you for all your hard work!!! And here’s to lots of good days ahead 🙂

    Like

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